“I still love you but now I want my own space. Do you understand?”, she said. Comprehending such complex issue is really difficult when you’re in love with that person. I’m sure many of you would agree. So I asked, “What is this space you’re talking about?”. The conversation in the tiny Live Messenger box went on for hours. For one, spending that much time with each other on Live Messenger is against the space she’s talking about. What about switching to Skype as I suggested which it didn’t help at all. This was indeed the hardest topic I’ve ever tackled in my life. I can make a couple of stuntmen jump off from a roof, landing on some empty boxes with a simple word of “Action!”. I can also effortlessly make someone die 7 times in the same method if I really want to.
“Space. How do I do that!?”, I kept thinking about it. We had many long conversations about what this space she’s talking about. But she’s thousands of miles away. What more space can she ask for? Space; I thought about it in the shower. Space; as I look at the tiles while I sat on the toilet for my routine. Space; while I brush my teeth and watches the running tap. Space; when I look at the notes she left for me in many occasions. Space; I slowly fade away into the REM. Space; the knocking gets louder. The drilling begun. The grinding came and stopped. Then the busting. My neighbor’s been doing a reconstruction for weeks now. 3 hours of sleep and I looked into the space above me realizing that I’ve suffocated her.
I restricted her from doing many things in her life. She wanted to try modeling. I told her that the industry is dark. Don’t get into it. She got scouted though. Just that they ended up wanting her to pay for a portfolio which it sounded ridiculous to both of us and she let that go. She wants to go out to the theaters with her male friend and I restricted her. She wanted to go for a road trip with another male friend and I said no. I mean, come on….road trip! With a family friend whom she met only a few times. She too later understood it wasn’t right; fortunately. I also didn’t allow a friend of hers who traveled from Asia to UK while taking the opportunity to visit her, sleep in the same room with her. I didn’t allow her to get a Blackberry because that family friend of hers is using one and etcetera etcetera.
With all these restrains I’ve applied on her it came along with what she would call, a Madagascar Dance. Means I go berzerk and make a big hoohaa. It also had made her unconsciously fear to do anything that will trigger my grand Madagascar Dance. It was great for me. She doesn’t seem to be anywhere close to do anything that would make me jealous. But I didn’t know she was in fear the whole time.
Only until now.
The root of the problem is gradually surfacing. My jealousy inflicts an act of communism towards her. She harbored those fears in her slender body while she wears a smile at me everyday. Yet none of us, not even her realized that she was gonna blow. And there it was 3 days ago. It was no Mambo or Madagascar. It was like a Moonwalk. Smooth and seemingly quiet.
So my existence now means that I would cast fear to her actions. She wants to be able to do her things without seeing “I like to move it move it…” in the Skype box. She wants to be able to go out and socialize with people of different genders (all includes) without having the guilt. Like you and I, she wants to explore life without having to hear a voice in her saying ‘No! Bloody No!’ the whole time. I’m the voice over talent by the way. Of course! Why should she lead a life like that?
Hence, the space. Ahh….the space. The room to breakaway from me for awhile. Regaining her freedom and interests. Using the same time, she would allow the slow time to heal her wounds which I’m responsible of.
“How long?”, I asked. “A year?” she answered. I repeated after her with exclamation marks in my tone. “6 months…” she lets out a tiny chuckle saying “Seems like a bargain in the market.” But I didn’t want a bargain. I know I couldn’t even handle 2 weeks. I would have lost myself and went from jungle theme to the north pole tap dancing theme. A bargain wasn’t even good enough. That was what went through my mind in that zero point zero zero one second. 5 seconds later, I knew I lost her. 7 seconds ticked away and a scene flashes back into my mind.
One day a friend of mine came up from south for something I can’t remember. He will drop by my place and we’ll head out for a dinner. She had spoke to him earlier without my knowledge that she would tag along. I was busy at work at that period of time. Not suspecting anything, she sneaked into my room as I walked out of my house to greet my buddy. When I came back to my room to change; there she was; sitting on my computer desk smiling at me. That was the sweetest moment. One of the many sweet moments she gave me.
Where had this sweet young lady who loved me that much went to? Had I drove her away or did America change her? I was scared. But I wanted to know how and when. That event was slightly more than a year ago. Whatever it is, the problem must have started after that. I decided to look into our past.
Indulge in a Bavarian meal introduced by a German
This picture wouldn’t had mean anything if morphine didn’t stand there.
A cosy little bookstore in Bath. I could have spent all my time and fortune there.